


When your car wants to bang you

by RedNightDeer



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, Other, This is crack, look the batmobile is a human okay, the love is one sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26802112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedNightDeer/pseuds/RedNightDeer
Summary: “Carl,” he started again. “My car is an engine. I don’t know who you are-”“You smoke weed in my back seats when no one is around.”That- was true, but it didn’t stop Bruce being surprised.-The batmobile is hit by a magic spell and becomes a human. Bruce has to accept it.
Relationships: Bruce Wayne/Batmobile
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	When your car wants to bang you

**Author's Note:**

> Please, mind the tags.
> 
> I would like to thank my friend AboutBatman (Misty) for giving me the idea of the Batmobile's name and ReplacementRobin for listening to me while I first had the idea.

Bruce sighed and tried to concentrate back on the batcomputer’s screen but the way the man standing next to him was  _ roaring _ flirtatiously, it was impossible to work. 

He couldn’t believe what had happened. One second he had been driving the batmobile, chasing a villain, and the next, he was in the middle of the road straddling a man’s lap. 

The exact man that was now next to him and  _ roaring _ . Fucking roaring like a motor. 

Bruce sighed again and turned towards him, his shoulders slumping forward. He didn’t have the force to take care of this shit right now. He hadn’t signed up for these kinds of incidents when he had decided to become Batman. His first motivation was to fight the crime in Gotham, the simple crime, the kind that involves thieves and burglars and all. Not psycho clowns and mother nature that wanted to kill all humanity. 

He had just wanted to punch a few criminals, not end up straddling a man that had  _ immediately _ started making advances to him in the middle of a street. 

He needed a joint. 

Maybe two. 

Or a fucking blunt. 

As he was looking at the man standing in front of him, Bruce thought about how he could disappear and reply into his secret smoking room on top of the manor. No one knew about that room. Not even Alfred. And Bruce was sure about that. 

The tall and broad man had crossed his arms. His ebony skin shone under the neon lights of the cave. He was wearing a tight-fitting black bodysuit with a bat symbol on the chest. His hair was very short and coily but the sides of his head had been shaved. Thick straight eyebrows overhung hooded black eyes that held a strange, almost funny, charm. 

Those eyes looked at you as if they could read you like an open book, even if that said book had multiple locks on it and was in a titanium box under the sea. His large nose was adorning the center of his face and plump lips were just under it, stretched into a wide smile that confirmed he was able to look through you and know everything about you. Every little thing you wanted to hide was resurfacing, the iceberg doing a one-eighty degree rotation, the bottom tip of it ending on the surface of the water, displayed to everyone’s gaze. 

Bruce grunted. This man was too handsome. “So…” he started, trying to use his batman voice. “You are…”

“Carl.” 

“ _ Carl _ … okay and-”

“I’m your car. The batmobile,” he said and smirked, leaning over Bruce’s face.

“My car…”

“Yes. Oh, come on, Bruce, don’t test me. You  _ know _ I’m your car. That villain hit me with a spell and ta-da!" He uncrossed his arms and pointed at himself.

“Carl, look…” and the name seemed like a joke to Bruce. This man pretended to be his car while being named _Carl_. This was just too much. 

Two blunts. He needed two blunts. 

“Carl,” he started again. “My car is an engine. I don’t know who you are-”

“You smoke weed in my back seats when no one is around.”

That- was true, but it didn’t stop Bruce being surprised. “How-”

“You also sometimes masturbate, not that I don’t like it. I actually do,” he smirked. 

Bruce felt his cheeks redden. How could this Carl know such things? 

“You also have your meltdowns in me.” 

He looked away. All he said was true but if Carl was really his car, then he needed to give him more than that.

“Tell me something that only my car would know.”

Carl’s smirk grew. “Como thinks you work too much. Not that he cares about you. But when he stays  _ turned on _ for too long, it gets on his nerves.” 

“Who?”

“Como. Como Peter. The computer you’re sitting right in front of.” 

Bruce turned towards the batcomputer, brows furrowed, then he looked back at Carl, pointing at the giant screen, waiting for his approval. The man only nodded and Bruce let out a shaky breath, looking at the floor, his head between his hands. 

This had to be a dream. It had to be one. His battech couldn’t be sentient being with souls. No, this was surely a bad trip. Either he had gotten cursed, or maybe it was fear toxin or some of Ivy’s shit. But this couldn’t be reality. 

But it was and he knew it. 

“Um,” he started and raised his head but didn’t look at the computer. It felt weird to look at it while knowing it had a personality.

And knowing he had jacked off in front of it lots of times. Actually, this was the only reason he couldn’t look Como in the eye. Wait, did he even have eyes? Anyway. 

“Carl, who else has a personality in my gadgets?”

“Well,” started Carl, looking away, clearly thinking. 

But then he grinned and Bruce knew he wasn’t going to like whatever was going to come out of his mouth. 

“Why should we talk about the others, hm? Let’s talk about us, Bruce.” 

Others. There were others. 

“No, Carl-”

“Tut, tut. Oh, babe, don’t force your pretty brain like that. No need. Let’s just…talk only about us.”

“ _ What _ about us?”

“About the way you grip my gear stick, the way you sink on me, ride me hard and fast and dangerously through the city. Don’t be shy, baby. You can admit it out loud.” 

Bruce didn’t like the way Carl made that sentence so  _ sexual _ . But the way he smirked and his lips moved, Bruce shuddered, because Carl was attractive. And Carl was attracted back. Carl was  _ flirting _ with him, dammit. 

“Carl-” he tried to say but the man shushed him by putting his index on Bruce's lips. 

“No,” he said and his hand moved and cupped Bruce's cheek. “I'm not expecting you to answer my feelings right now. But I want you to think 'bout them, and then to give me a clear answer. But not now, Bruce. It's too early for that.”

His thumb started moving and caressing his skin for a few seconds and then Carl withdrew his hand. He looked sad but he still smiled. “Let's go up and drink some coffee, okay? I want to meet Alfred properly too.”

Bruce couldn't say anything and got up without really understanding what had happened. Had just his car confessed his feelings to him?

“Bruce, don't forget to turn off Como.”

He turned towards the computer and suddenly, remembering what he had done in front of it times and times, he became all red. He still turned it off, but his hands were shaking while doing it.

“Let's go.”

Bruce followed Carl upstairs, a weird feeling in his gut and a very strong want for his blunt.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic :)


End file.
